I started off this year quite depressed.
I can actually remember at one point, seriously considering getting some form of professional help
lol… feels weird to admit that.
Living in the house with the guys was going totally shits up after January, as much as I was free, and as much as I loved my housemates to bits, the usual stuff was getting to me. I was already retaliating in a textbook passive-agressive way, if no-one else was tidying the place, neither was I, that sort of stuff. The next few months saw me thinking long and hard about whether or not to jump ship and head home for a while to plan the next arc of my life story. It took a lot of soul searching but I did it, and in doing so threw everyone else into disarray, which i’ll always be sorry for, but I had to do something for myself for once.
My mum was practically destitute since we’d moved out 18 months before, and it was utterly heartbreaking to see how lonely she was whenever I’d swing by on my lunch break. One memory will always stick with me, making a sandwich in the kitchen, sitting down to eat it at the table, and then stopping after realising i’d practically eaten everything in her fridge, inbetween these two slices of bread.
She still made me eat it, i seem to remember her remarking at how i should put on some weight hehe. It was pretty much there and then that I realised I had to come home for a bit. I needed some time out, and she needed a paying lodger.
In the blink of an eye, it’s 7 months later.
It’s weird how shit changes, isn’t it? Living my life day-to-day these last months, working my ass off at my job, I’d all but forgotten about the last 18 months of my life previous to me getting here. My focus was in the wrong place. It used to be Play first, work after. These days it’s just work, play drums on a wednesday night, maybe meet the guys for a drink on a monday night, and if possible, try and do something with girlfriend.
And just as I was starting to realise that my sights were misaligned, my whole world changed. They say these things come in threes, you know. First finding out about Keith’s death, for someone who prides himself on being hard to shock, that was a biggie. Second was getting a scare and a half, after a close friend of mine of some ten years or so / ex boss / ex band producer keeled over with a heart attack upon moving into his new place with his wonderful other half. He’s fine though, after booking an emergency day off last friday i went up to see him, he’s up and about and farting like a trooper again. I love that guy.
Threes?
Indy dropped a bombshell. We’d had a rough couple of weeks, that’s no secret. I gave her a week of practically no contact at all, just so she could think about what she wanted without me messing any of it up.
Once we met up, after a few tears, she asked if we could call it quits, end on a good note.
My mind’s a pretty busy place most of the time, but every now and then, i get a moment where everything just stops. Nothing but sheer white. no shadows, no movement. you realise something in these moments.
It made sense.
after two great years, a million laughs together and what is quite literally the rollercoaster romance that nobody on earth could have predicted, i can’t blame her. we’ve grown apart as a couple, and i’ve had my head in too many other places to really actually see it happening. and while i regret that, i am for the first time, man enough to stand up and accept it and take it on the chin.
I saw a new side to her, when she told me, while it hurt to hear it, I saw a great friend being honest with me, and it’s something i’ll take to the grave. Things have been completely crazy the last few days for me, falling apart one minute and actually smiling about it the next. but it’s human nature that things like these change. in fact it’s not even human, it’s just nature.
So, I plod on, work hard at work, enjoy the time i get to spend with my sis and ma, and love the time that i spend with my friends, i hadn’t realised how much i’d neglected these people, and while it’ll be a chopsy few weeks, I know that i’ll be back to… a new kind of normal soon enough.
you’ve probably heard it in at least four different movies in the last two years, but it’s never been this true – sometimes loving someone is letting them go. to do anything else would prove otherwise, and leads to insanity.
indy, you have a friend for life, you can call me whenever you need me.
So, if you see me around, i’m probably untidy, unshaven, dreary looking, my shirts have all kinds of creases in, and generally a bit of a mess. there’s light at the end of the tunnel though, in fact good things come in threes also, didn’t you know?
for one, i met with, talked for hours with, and got on with, an ex-bandmate, someone who i haven’t talked to for five years. it felt good to claw back a little part of my old life. i feel like i uncovered one of my roots in all of this mess.
next, i bought an iPod touch to cheer myself up. Nothing like blowing £270 quid on yourself to cheer you up, i’ll fill you in on that, but it’s best left to another blog.
and last, a workmate gave me a small slab of bluetack at work today, with a smiley face sculpted into it. it sounds completely stupid, but after the two weeks i’ve had, the fact that someone spent a few seconds doing that for me [however random!], meant the world hehe.
That smiley face is actually the first thing that’s made me smile in days. I smiled right back at it. I bet i looked stupid.
right, got work in a few hours, i should wrap up here. thanks for reading, if you got down this far. here’s to the winds of change and whatever bounty they bring.
Benny xXx